Saturn’s being annoying and Mercury is retro-vactioning (that planet literally never goes to work), but you, my fellow sky cucumbers, are in store for one heck of a great month. You know the deal: I skim Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone with one eye closed and the other on the prize, then I shake myself up like a martini and burst out of a cake.
OH MAY GOD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FELLOW BULLS!!! I hope your wildest dreams come true. Before you start objecting with all of the weird shit that you dream about, however, let’s talk about love: if you’re in a relationship, you’re about to take the Next Step. (Promposals, DTRs and engagements flowing like wine up in here.) If you’re single, Susan’s consolation prize is that work will rule and your professional relationships will soar, which is like, great, thanks so much Suz, I am never not leaning in, but what about a damn spring fling? Ask and ye shall receive!
Our guardian planet Venus is touring Cancer and is in our short-term-vacay house from May 7 until June 5, which, if you don’t speak planets, means that you should get your share house weekends squared up stat and get the heck out of dodge. Away games are about to be your jam when it comes to meeting a mate, so pack your bags and find a hot piece of toast upon which to spread that strawberry jelly.
Mercury’s going into retrograde on May 18th because when the hell is it not fucking shit up, so keep your cellphone away from water and don’t touch electrical outlets — you know the deal. The good Suz is we get a new moon on this same day, which means big, exciting new chapters are beginning for us celestial male cows.
Try doing nothing until the 10th so that you can conserve your energy like a polar bear who has just emerged from a six-month hibernation and is hungry as fuck, if you can, because on the 11th, you have Mars on your side. This planet will make you “passionate, courageous, energetic, determined, and sexy too,” per Miller-comma-Susan, which means that now is the time to finally tell the world about that secret project you’ve been working on. Stamp collectors, I’m talking to you. Underground claymation artists? Come on, out with it! Show the world what you’ve got and the world will celebrate it as though you just sent a mass email announcing bagels in the office kitchen.
Boring stuff really fast: guard your health for planetary reasons that will make you fall asleep at your desk if I describe them. Beware Mercury’s retrograde, but don’t be scared of it. Just be prepared for your iPad to make phantom pinging noises and don’t start anything new-new until after June 27th. (I say new-new because technically you can start something new if it involves someone old, hence “retro.” I am pretty sure taking up rollerskating as a new hobby counts, for example, because it was popular in the 1970s and maybe you did it when you were 10-year-old as well.)
You’re more attractive than ever this week because Mars is in Gemini (that’s your sign in case you had amnesia for a sec), so get out of the house, put a shirt on backwards and kiss every guy that looks like even remotely like Miles Teller, because why not! Other than cold sores!
Have you been feeling run down? Warn out? Like you can’t take care of yourself? Like a dull knife or shitty blender in the beginning of an infomercial where the actress playing a mom practically has a breakdown and throws her impossible-to-cut mango at the wall? Then this month of May is for you!
It’s going to feel busy in a good way until the 11th (socializing with friends, falling in love thanks to Venus, the usual). Then the day of double-ones will come and everything is going to quiet down, which means that you, too, can take a minute and check in with yourself. Maybe you can make like Leandra and take up meditating. (If this overwhelms you, don’t let it. Here’s a how-to for skeptical/beginner ohm-ers.)
“One of your most romantic evenings will arrive on Friday, May 15, or Saturday, May 16,” wrote Susan. “Venus will waltz with dreamy Neptune across a star-studded sky.” My birthday is on the 17th so feel free to come waltz-in-love with me, guys! Following this, you’re going to feel tired, so take this time to reel it in and reconnect with your couch. (Meditating, I told ya.) And just avoid the 22nd altogether, if you can. You have a whole summer ahead of you: a few weeks sans rage-fest will not only kill you, it will make you stronger. -Kelly Clarkson.
I’ve had zero — count ‘em — zero Uranus jokes thus far because that planet is taking a nap for once — so allow me to paint a picture of two white butt cheeks in the sky for you when I say the next line: thanks to the full moon last night, you’ll be feeling very creative today/this week! Butts really do it for some people, you know? Whatever lights you up.
Speaking of creativity and not so much butts, you’ll be focused on your home this month. Pisces will too, so feel free to tag a friend and see if they want to go to Home Depot with you to pick out lamps. Note: most people would rather get their face run over by a bus than visit Home Depot (namely me since I spent the better half of my childhood there), but I highly encourage you to visit for the sake of fulfilling the universe’s prophecy. Who knows — perhaps you could meet the rug or human of your daydreams. If you already know this person, then force them to come with you. If can’t stand the thought of Home Depot, then ditch your spouse for an hour and roll solo to Ikea, or just visit the lightbulb aisle of CVS. I don’t know!
I do know that Mars is doing big things for your career, and that you’re probably getting rich, famous or penning the next Great American Novel as I write this, so tally ho, Tinker Bell. Around the 22nd, book a spa day for Memorial Day weekend and all will be well.
Virgo, I hope you have a whole bunch of air-miles saved, gas in the tank and pep in your freaky step because this month is about travel for you. Mini trips or dramatic escapes are going to inspire you and promote creativity, productivity and probably love, because why not. Use this as an excuse when you ask to take a Friday off and your boss reminds you that you used up all of your vacation days to go on spirit journey in February (AKA, you discovered Netflix and fell into a blackhole of televised catch up), to which you can always tell your boss that she’s got you confused with Dave in accounting who doesn’t exist so no one gets in trouble.
They call that a win-win in the old country.
If you absolutely in no way can travel, then Susan is either A) a liar or B) making a Diana Vreeland metaphor, because it was she who said that the eye has to travel, and maybe your eye is spending a lot of time on Pinsta and Insta, hence your creativity. Your horoscope is only as real as your ability to bullshit, you know?
Important to note: Mars is moving into Gemini (to save rent, most likely), and will sleep on Gem’s couch until June 24. While that sounds like Mars is freeloading, it means great things for your career, so brush up your resume, find an interview outfit that doesn’t have coffee stains, and prepare your briefcase for corporate battle — you’re moving up in the word!
Allow me to quote Susan so you don’t consider me the messenger and accidentally pull my hair or something: “Mercury is about to go retrograde from May 18 to June 11, causing miscommunications, understandings, postponements, and snags that will come up out of the blue.” Just beware of that information (don’t sign things, have important conversations before or after, use it as an excuse to cancel plans, etc.) and embrace the creativity and werewolves that last night’s full moon brought.
On the second new moon (which also happens to be the same day that Mercury’s retrosuck begins, May 18), you’re going to be focused on your finances. Because the two are coinciding, Susan wants you to avoid financial negotiations. But! She never ONCE said anything about you avoiding the following: making it rain, falling randomly into an enormous inheritance, or finding out that you are actually the Royal Baby.
I wish I had more to give you on the love front this month, but know this: your career is going to kill it, and everyone always says that you gotta do you before you “I do” someone else. (But definitely “do you” when it comes to you doing others as far as doing It, know what I mean? I won’t preach anything except safety and post-coital snacks. The stars can’t rule everything in your life.) A final do: DO be patient until June. That’s when Cupid’s coming for you.
The beginning of this month brings the end of a chapter in a positive way for you, ScoropiOh-no-you-didn’t. You’re going to get a burst of energy this month, which it sounds like you’ll need: from about the 10th until the 21st your partner (maybe in love, maybe in horizontal tangoing, maybe in regular upright tangoing, maybe in business) will come to you with something that’s been bugging them. Thanks to the moon dust you’ll have the tools you need to sort this shit out, and you’ll be stronger for it after the fact. And a better dancer!
We’re dealing with a dumb ass Mercury retrograde in the middle of the month, in case you haven’t heard yet, but in your case specifically, Susan cautions again taking a new job. See if you can be patient until August when you will have the career luck of Ryan Seacrest.
Susan suggested May 16 as a good time to stock up on new makeup. If you do, may I suggest you try your hand at beauty vlogging as well? If you don’t wear makeup — either because you’re lazy, or have an eye thing, or you don’t actually know how to take it off once it’s on, then whatever. Stock up on shrimp-covered platforms and earrings shaped like ferns instead. Why? Because Venus and Neptune are going to start a band called Your Day for Love — and whether you’re single and whining about it or single and loving it, or taken or shaken or crispy chip flakin’ — there’s no kind of love like the kind for yourself, right? KumbaYA.
Following yesterday’s possibly introverted mood, you’re going to be making big moves with a partner this month. Susan doesn’t mention love specifically, so I will: you’ll probably make a boyfriend! Or a girlfriend! Just not an enemy! But don’t let that distract you: it’s a big, productive month for you Sag Habor-ittariuses. You’ve got Mars in Taurus until the 10th, and if you’ve ever gone down to Wall Street to see tourists taking photos of themselves touching bull-balls, then you know that Mars mingling with the celestial bull is, as Martha Stewart says, a good thing.
Following this, a new moon is coming to bolster the effect of the balls. Note that this happens around May 18th — which also happens to be Mercury’s stupid time for retrograding (more like retro-downgrading, am I right, House of Horoscopes?!) but it’s actually going to have a positive effect in the case of your career because it means working with old clients/past coworkers/possibly Oprah in even bigger capacities.
Tip: Pretend this month is like a summer Friday and try to get everything important done early. The retrograde is going to make everything feel sleepy.
“You had a very weighty April,” wrote Susan. That seems sort of rude considering she doesn’t know your fitness journey, but what she means is weighty in the emotional sense. Luckily, she continues! “The universe is about to give you a wonderfully social, happy month of May. The minute the month takes off, you will have a full moon in Scorpio 13 degrees, May 3, likely to bring an event over the May 2-3 weekend that will put you in the center of many smiling people.”
Well, you tell me, be-horned beings. Did this happen? Were you smiling? Did you bet a lot of money on American Pharoah and win? Did you get an award for the best hat contest?
While everyone is going to be busy complaining about Mercury’s retrograde, you’ll be focused instead on love. Who needs a working telephone or a functioning computer when you have big fat hearts in your life? The new moon of May 18 is going to set your romantic world on fire — and while that sort of sounds like a UTI, I assure you it is not.
Alright, Aquamuffin. I have some news that will make your scales shimmer brighter than that sparkly fish who everyone made fun of until Bianca Jagger and Australian Fashion Week and Elton John were like, you guys, disco balls are cool: “Mars will enter Gemini and your fifth house of true love on May 11 and remain there until June 24.” Then Susan Miller said, “Wow!” which I think is so cute — we should all say “Wow!” more often and just as emphatically and less ironically. It’s good for the soul.
Her “wow” was especially earnest and Lichtenstein-ian in visual nature because apparently, it’s been two damn years (you’re probably like, no shit) since you’ve had Mars helping you find romance. “If you are single and were beginning to think you would never find the right person to love, think again!” Oh Susan, always with the plot twists. She continues (and excuse me for quoting her so much here, it’s just that she was on a roll and I am but the cinnamon atop it): “You are entering a sensational phase when Cupid and his little fleet of angels will be around every corner and every tree. Mars in Gemini will increase your sexiness and magnetism, so if you ever felt invisible, you won’t in May and June.”
Well I’ll be damned. Hand me the icing.
You get the greatest gift of all this month: the ability to clearly translate your thoughts to paper. Would you like to trade? Not only does this mean you’re going to be killing it as a comma queen, speech giver or play-write, but you will be a master text-crafter which is, as we all know, the ultimate skill. I’d keep your gift of banter a secret if I were you, though, because once word gets out that you’re the go-to guru for “What should I say?,” your life will be hell and your phone will have more acne than a pubescent spring mixer.
On a completely different topic, you may shampoo your carpet this month! Domestic improvements are in your forecast. High-ho, Home Depot! In fact, maybe you really should head to the emporium for all things paint chips and faucets: you’ve got Venus in Cancer from May 7 until June 5 throwing confetti on your love sector, and you just never know when someone could propose. One day you’re picking up lighting for a party and the next thing you know, a bunch of strangers/family members are shaking their groove thang while the man of your dreams gets down on one knee.
If you didn’t click that link can you just do it now and watch this then come back?
Told you somebody loves you! Oh, and as a side note: if you’re thinking about shaving your beard, do it soon-ish. Veenz is going retrograde mid-summer and that will not be the time to try and reconnect with your long lost chin.
Last but no le$$ glamorous! This month is all about the money, money, money, despite what Jessie J (who is likely rolling in it and therefore kind of a hypocrite but whatever) will have you believe in her stupidly catchy song. May 6 will be a good date for financial settlements, negotiations, and though she didn’t outright say it, probably great for lotto tickets and disco bingo. The bling bla bling!
Since we’re talking money, you should know that with Mercury peacing out around the 18th, it’s not a good time to buy expensive things. “If you need the new Apple watch,” Susan noted, “buy it now.” SUSAN MILLER YOU ARE SO CURRENT!! If you can’t afford the Apple watch, might I suggest taping an apple to your wrist? Fun, functional, and a great snack.
You may not know this, but you currently have Jupiter in your fifth house of love. It’s been there since last summer but you may have been drunk or who knows, but it is leaving this August 11. In other words, take advantage of it now. Here are some How to Meet a Romantic Partner Tips When Jupiter Is Still Lloyd Dobblering in Your Hood: walk a bunch of dogs while wearing roller blades and try to crash into a doctor. Order 100 variations of iced coffee every morning to up your odds of having your order accidentally mixed up with that hot bow hunter you’ve been eyeing. Take a nap in a strangers lap! This is your time to shine. This, my friends, is spring.
SOURCE: Man Repeller – Read entire story here.